WHERE IT ALL BEGAN

It would be unfair to say it all began with that seizure. It is like blaming it all on that. It is like giving it that power. Thats not where it started. But, for the sake of having a start, I think that will be where I take off.

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The summer of 2017 we were struggeling a bit. As all couples do from time to time. But we had set our minds to having this great vacation trip to a fantastic island, Gotland, in the southern part of Sweden. I would say we were successful as to what we were aiming for. We were in a really happy place. To make an endlessly long story short, it all ended abruptly that early morning on july 13th. one day before our sons first birthday. I woke up by these really strange and alarming noises from my husband, Magnus. Trying to wake him up from his seazure I hit him, poured water over him and shook him... Trying to do it clearly but quietly not to wake up my daughter who was laying next to him. My son woke up in the middle of this and started crying hysterically. I let him until I saw he was about to fall out of bed. I picked him up, tried to dial 112 but ended up gettin my voice mail. Ran out in the hall with only underwear on knocking on everyones door... finally just trying to figure out how to not let my daughter wake up next to a lifeless father. These things might have happened in a different order. I don't know. I just know they happened. And they started a new chapter in our lives.

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Magnus was flewn to Stockholm for surgery and my mom came down to help me with the kids. From that time a lot is quite blurry. I remember feeling like living in a bubble. It almost felt like my head was stuck in a fish bowl. I heard and saw things as if I was not attatched to this world. But I was. And the diagnosis came.

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Then treatment came. Magnus was such a champ, keeping spirits up all the time. Then joy came when it was successful. Then it wasn't anymore. On august 11th 2021 Magnus passed away.

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As time has passed I have struggeled. On and off. At times not so much. But I have been loosing my way. And that is not something cancer can take credit for. I wasn't grounded to begin with. Standing on shaking ground, having something like this steppning over the threshlod to where you live and you soon adapt to it. 

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I started living by the rules of cancer. And that I am trying to break free from. I need that for me. I need that for my children. I need that for the memory of Magnus.

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So here I am, voulnerable and open. Trying to read, listen, learn. Inside and out. To be able to act from a good place from within.

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And I do this with a great deal of love and forgiveness. It is a great task to set after - and forgiveness towards my self might be my most important tool.

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Welcome to the journey!

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